Emotional intelligence in children

The family is the first context in which we acquire knowledge of emotional life. Emotional education operates not only through the words and actions of parents directed towards the child but also through the models they offer by showing how they manage feelings and their own marital relationship. The way parents treat children has deep and lasting consequences for their emotional life. Having emotionally intelligent parents is a source of great benefit for the child. Sometimes, parents may have inappropriate behaviors in relation to the child; essentially, there are three types of inadequate parental behaviors:

- Completely ignoring feelings: these parents treat the child's emotional suffering as if it were trivial or a nuisance that will naturally fade away. They are unable to seize opportune moments to approach the child or help them learn some emotional competencies.

- Assuming a laissez-faire stance (letting go too much): these parents perceive the child's feelings but believe that any strategy they adopt to manage their inner turmoil (even physical confrontation) will work. Similar to those who ignore the child's feelings, these parents rarely intervene to try and show their own child an alternative response, attempting to calm any discomfort just to get the child to stop being sad or angry.

- Being dismissive, showing no respect for the child's feelings: these parents often adopt a disapproving attitude and are harsh in criticisms and punishments. One of the fundamental emotional lessons for a child is to learn to distinguish various feelings. This skill develops with age; three-year-old children can accurately identify sadness, happiness, and fear, using non-verbal signals such as facial expressions, gestures, and voice (Nabuzoka & Smith, 1995).

Children who learn to manage their own emotions and control their instincts tolerate stressful situations better, learn to communicate their emotional states better, and are capable of developing positive relationships with family and friends; they also achieve success in school, work, and life.

Mischel and Ebbeson (1970) demonstrated the fundamental importance of the ability to suppress emotions and resist impulses. The task they subjected 4-year-old children to was as follows: the children had to wait for the teacher's arrival without eating the candies left in the classroom; if they had been able to resist until the teacher returned, they would have received two candies as a reward; if, however, they couldn't wait, they would have received a candy immediately.

The longitudinal study showed that children at the age of 4 who had resisted temptation, as teenagers, exhibited greater social competence; they were efficient on a personal level, self-assured, and capable of facing life's frustrations. They accepted challenges and pursued their own goals without giving up even in the face of difficulties; they had confidence in themselves and were perceived by others as trustworthy. Conversely, subjects who, at 4 years old, had not resisted temptation (around 30% of the group) had a relatively more problematic psychological profile as adults.

Many of them neglected social contacts due to shyness; frustrations affected them to a greater extent, they were stubborn and indecisive, undervalued themselves, were distrustful and resentful, and felt convinced of not having enough; they experienced envy and jealousy and reacted sharply to irritation, initiating arguments and conflicts. Furthermore, they were unable to delay gratification. Those who had shown patience as children were better students than those who had not known how to wait. The importance of emotional intelligence in academic success has also been confirmed in more recent times.

Goleman gives an example of the experience of an elementary school in San Francisco where the science of the Self is taught, focusing on feelings, both one's own and those that arise in relation to others. These emotional literacy courses aim to raise the level of social and emotional competence in students as part of their regular education.

The teaching contents include self-awareness (the ability to recognize feelings and build a vocabulary for their verbalization), being aware of the connections between thoughts, feelings, and emotions, knowing that a decision is being made based on reflections or feelings, anticipating the consequences of alternative choices, applying this knowledge to decisions on issues such as drugs, tobacco, or sex.