Self-criticism: the first step towards assertiveness

To overcome social discomfort and improve our quality of life, there are three types of human behavior we must understand: Passive, aggressive, and assertive. In this blog, we focus on assertiveness.

The assertive says "I," whereas the aggressive says "You."

In facing situations of discomfort, the assertive focuses on themselves, whereas the passive and the aggressive concentrate on others to alleviate their own discomfort.

Saying "you make me feel bad" is an aggressive behavior: we attribute our discomfort to others when, in fact, the discomfort is solely ours. We should learn not to feel bad, not to depend emotionally on others. It may seem cold and cynical, but what purpose does it serve to lament and blame others? We cannot expect others to change according to our desires.

Others are not the ones who need to change. Saying "You don't understand me" is aggressive: if we can't make ourselves understood, it's our fault for not communicating well enough. We should learn to express ourselves better, starting from others' operational level rather than our own.

The assertive must accept a fundamental principle: If we feel bad, it's solely our responsibility, there are no external culprits. It might seem absurd and difficult to accept, but it's quite a positive type of thinking. It urges us to look within, to find what's wrong with us rather than blaming others. It's much easier to find faults in others, but once found, what right do we have to change others' way of being?

Instead, we can change ourselves. If we realize that we feel bad with a particular person, we can decide to avoid them or accept them as they are. The important thing, however, is not to feel bad.

Even our discomfort results from our modeling of reality. Our states of discomfort inevitably arise from our lack of resources to manage situations. Those who feel certain about who they are don't feel like the ground is shifting just because the people around them are not like them.

The assertive person doesn't feel discomfort if someone exhibits behaviors they don't share; they simply don't reinforce it and, if necessary, request respect for their values by avoiding behaviors that bother them. It's also useful to understand how well-being situations relate. Although they are not a direct cause of social discomfort for us, they may contain behavioral patterns and erroneous assumptions. These behavioral patterns and mistaken assumptions are the basis of other discomforts. As long as these mistaken patterns are not eliminated, situations of discomfort will tend to recur.

Let's now reflect on the difference between these two love statements.

"You make me feel good" vs. "Being with you makes me feel good." The first focuses on the other, granting them power over our emotions.

The second is a correct assessment of how we experience the relationship with the other. Many love disappointments stem from a wrong way of relating to others.

Therefore, my wish is for you to step out of the victim zone and start paying more attention to your attitudes.